To the dickwad who said “you’re prettier than she is anyway”

I don’t even really know where to begin. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, except if you’re a writer perhaps you understand the primal NEED to get the words out there. The person (or persons) who needs to read this never will, in all likelihood. Especially not the inbred jerk-off who’s responsible for this opinion piece. It’s been on my mind since Wednesday so, here goes.

So the other night I was at Shamrock Pub with a friend of mine. It was a pretty chill night – we had dinner and then went to see some live music. Shamrock Pub is typically a really nice spot to just chill with unpretentious people of all ages. It’s also usually really male dominated. (Ahem.)

I was on my way back from the bathroom when I saw this guy coming towards me, grinning foolishly, with his finger extended and aimed at my face. I had NO idea what he was going to do – maybe “boop” me on the nose? But it was such an oddly condescending and weird gesture that I made a face and ducked out of the way. I guess he got the girl behind me because I overheard him say loudly, “You’re prettier than she is anyway.”

Now, I’m a redhead. And if you know redheads, we can be spiteful, ragey individuals. I turned to lash out at him – I probably would have gotten kicked out of the bar, honestly, I was so angry – but he had disappeared in the crowd. The girl behind me looked apologetic and called him an asshole, or something.

me at the Beauty Bar

The best part about this photo is that we’re at the Beauty Bar in Vegas and the sign behind me says “Evil Dick.”
I KNOW this shit shouldn’t bother me. He’s the kind of guy I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole, much less let get into my pants. But there was such an undertone of smug cruelty in his actions that I couldn’t help but feel like I was six years old back on the school bus with my bully taunting me for my buckteeth. And I guess that’s why I haven’t been able to get it off my mind.

I was certainly never an attractive girl growing up, at all. I had no sense of what to wear or how to do make-up. My hair was insane. I didn’t REALLY care then, but as I got older and the teasing still continued, I DID start caring. And then I started hanging out with the wrong people and not really caring about anything other than fitting in. I’ve maybe grown into my looks since then but I’m still no Miss Canada. I’m confident in my appearance and I don’t think about those days all that much, but it boggles my mind that 20-something or 30-something bullies still exist. And they have absolutely no idea what their words can do to a person. For a woman, being beautiful and womanly is a concept that is shoved on you CONSTANTLY. Like, 24/7. And I am not so naïve to think I can avoid that kind of message, and I am not to proud to say I spent all of yesterday feeling ridiculously hurt about those awful words.

me as a gingery kid writer

Aw, man. Would you look at that dork.
I’d like to say this is the first time it’s happened in St. John’s, but it’s untrue. St. John’s has a dating problem, and I don’t know why. I’m not saying all men here are like that, in the slightest. I’ve been on a handful of really fantastic dates with exceptional men this past year. All my guy friends are amazing (or at least amazing friends – not sure about lovers). But time and time again I am disappointed by how men here treat me when I’m out with friends. It doesn’t happen anywhere else I’ve ever been.

CW and Trish

I dunno man, I think I look alright these days.
So if you ARE one of those butthurt men who can’t deal with rejection or who have difficulty accepting when someone says no (hell, even if you’re a woman and feel that way…you know), and if by some miracle of Allah you’re reading this blog post, I urge you to stop and reconsider how you talk to women. There are some people who take that kind of message and store it away in a part of their heart that won’t ever be entirely buried.

  • June 19 2015
    Maggie BB

    First of all, you’really beautiful.
    Second of all, that guy sounds like a total ass. What a dicky and aggressive move.

    But I get it. Sometimes those negative encounters have a way of worming their way under your skin and you can’t get them out :/ I have a large, loyal client base who love me… one asshole takes out their frustration on me and I question my entire self worth :/

    Hand on to the positive encounters, to turn to when a jerkoff gets you down. I have a box of kind notes from clients for this very reason :)

    Also, you’re a rockstar and deserve only men who treat any women with respect. Rude douchebags need to just step off. Step off a cliff. Into the ocean. Bye bye.

    • June 24 2015

      RIGHT?!!! Don’t you hate that?! I actually have an email folder titled “self stoke” so I can revisit praise I’ve received in the past when I’m having a day of self doubt. I don’t know what that says about me, but meh. Why do we always remember the negative over the positive? Sigh.

  • June 19 2015

    As always Candice, I loved this article. You know that there are gobshites everywhere. In the end that asshole will never wake up beside two Newfies in the Johnny Cash Suite!!!

  • June 19 2015
    Tom Whitten

    Do older guys seem better or worse with this?

    • June 24 2015

      About the same, honestly, it doesn’t seem to be an age thing at all

  • June 19 2015
    Lauren @BonVoyageLauren

    Have you seen those posts where men are rejected on Tinder and go from saying “hey baby, you’re beautiful” to “whatever bitch you’re fat/you’re not that cute ” as soon at the woman politely (most of the time) rejects them? It’s ridiculous.

    I’m sorry that douchebag made you feel this way. Please don’t beat yourself up for letting him get to you. I know I would have felt the same, despite the fact that he’s a disgusting asshole and I’m confident in who I am (MOST days… like you!).


    • June 24 2015

      Funnily enough, someone else just shared it with me! Haha. It’s awful. Absolutely awful. And thanks so much for your lovely words.

      • July 13 2015

        I think that’s right – women are so frequently judged on their looks that some men seize upon it as a way to put down women who have the “audacity” to turn them down! As with any criticism, I think you need to take what’s being said hand in hand with WHO is saying it. It’s easier said than done (and god knows we all have a part to play in not always objectifying women) but worth keeping in mind! Douchebags in a bar should be ignored immediately (who the hell boops someone’s nose? UGH!! What a turnoff!)

  • June 19 2015

    Check out “Bye Felipe” for the a taste of emotionally incompetent individuals whose sense of entitlement is simply astounding.

    By the way, you were NOT a dork. You look SO MUCH like my first best friend, Gloria – she of the glorious red hair. Like you, she calls a spade a goddamn shovel when provoked and often does so hilariously that the shovel ends up laughing in spite of themselves. Besides, everyone knows that people with freckles are more loyal.

    As far as I am concerned, no one is prettier than anyone else. It’s so subjective that you might as well say, “Lilacs smell better than lilies-of-the-valley,” or “Blue is a better colour than green.” Nope. The only thing that IS for sure is that an amazing variety of shapes and sizes and colours of people are wonderfully attractive, and even more so if one operates with an open mind.

    Girl, you look great. I hesitate to say that ’cause it sounds all like, “oh, no, it’s okay, you’re okay” simpering, but it’s really not. I think you look great. Hell, I’d kill to have legs half as long as yours!

    As for the rest, as they say in the quainter sections of town, f**k ’em if they can’t take a joke.

    • June 20 2015

      Everything Susan said!

      • June 24 2015

        LOL thanks ladies! Gosh I don’t know if I’ve ever received compliments on my legs before. Hahaha. Made my day.

        I remember seeing that Bye Felipe account somewhere. Awful, awful, awful. Why do people do this? I’ll never understand.

  • June 22 2015

    People like that exist all over the world–it’s a sad truth. Luckily, if you dig deeper into it, you’ll find that spiteful remarks like that are rooted in a history of constant rejection.
    People say things because they want to hurt you, not because it’s any sort of truth. In Iceland just a month ago I got a comment that I have a “fat ass” while walking down the street (from a tourist of course, not an Icelander). For a second I was so thrown off, then I completely brushed it off because the whole idea is just ridiculous to me (not that I have high self esteem by any means, but a comment like that seems out of nowhere to me).
    Anyway, the point is that it happens to most of us at some point. I’d rather be the target of the criticism than to end up with someone who thinks it’s OK to treat people that way.

    • June 24 2015

      UGH, that is AWFUL. What in god’s name is going through someone’s head when they say things like that?! I’ll never understand it. But yes, you’re right. It’s they that have the issues.

  • June 23 2015
    Sasha @ The Curious Zephyr

    The more I try to convince myself not to care when someone says something hurtful, the more it hurts and I can’t stop thinking about it and what I wish I had done in response. People suck sometimes. I’ve had to write about it before too! It helps a little!

    • June 24 2015

      Just read your post — can SO relate! It just niggles its way into your brain. A few times I’d be going about my day not thinking about it and then I’d pause and be like, why do I feel stressed out about something? And then remember all over again. We need to stop giving people that power.

  • July 13 2015
    Sara MacKinnon

    I think you look way way way better than “alright these days” <3 XX

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