This guest post is brought to you by my South African friend Carla Baldwin, whom I met on my first Contiki trip. She felt this post was too crass to share with her regular audience, but ‘lo and behold, you hooligans make the perfect fit! Enjoy.
“If we go outside, we die.”
That was my husband’s response at 03:00, as I woke him to accompany me to the toilet.
We were camping in the Mana Pools National Park in Zimbabwe, and with the ablution blocks being about 200 meters from the tent and with the “bushlet” (basically a camping chair with a hole cut into the seat) forgotten in our garage in Johannesburg, I was adamant on having porcelain under my bottom. Unfortunately, to get to the toilet, it was necessary to circumnavigate hyenas, buffaloes, hippos and other nasty beasties, which you can’t chase away with a gentle, “Shoo-shoo!”
Hubby was trying to coax me to pee into a water bottle. I was having none of it. My bladder has a sideway slant and the chance was very good that more of the pee would end up on the tent floor, than in the bottle. And the smell of urine attracts unwanted beasties.
So the only option was to wait for the dawn song of birds and the first light to break.
Finding a place to go is serious business.
We weren’t exactly out of the woods yet. In front of the toilet, in the half-light of dawn, sat the silhouette of an hyena. I was only armed with a metal spoon and a frying pan (a game ranger told me most wild animals don’t like hard metallic sounds) so I was banging away, hoping it would scamper off.
Behind me, hubby was cowering and trying to shoo it off, almost like it were a disobedient golden retriever. Luckily, the guy camping next to the ablution block proved to be more interesting than the toilet, so the hyena retreated to create havoc at his tent and so relief came.
Going to the toilet in Africa can be quite interesting. South Africa is still okay, with many clean filling-station toilets, but if you wander beyond the pale and into neighboring countries like Botswana, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, etc, things can get quite hairy. As a rule of thumb, the more north you travel, the worse things get. In the Serengeti I paid almost a US $100 in camping fees, to pee in the bush because the long drop stank so much you couldn’t get close to it without dry retching. Also with elephants creating havoc with the plumbing and buffalo blocking the way to the toilet, a strong bladder is a great thing to have when camping. So start those Kegel exercises, girls!
Our humble little campsite in the Mana Pools, which were frequented by buffalo and hyenas. Mornings are quite cold, as you can see, but winter days in Mana Pools are lovely (usually in the low 80s F).
Also, I don’t squat. When overlanding in Africa however, this opens numerous problems. Most toilets are stinking holes in the ground, and sometimes it’s better just to look for a bush, get someone to be on the lookout and go about your business in a quiet fashion.
However, that great spot you just found was also considered great by many campers before you. So unless you have US$300 to drop on a posh lodge or under canvas safari, here are a few tips on conducting your African ablutions in a orderly fashion.
1. Take your pick: The site with convenience or the site with a view.
Camping next to ablution block may seem convenient, but when the wind turns or the septic tank starts overflowing, you’ll wish you were sitting with the people overlooking the river. In Africa, the view trumps convenience every time.
Buffalo look at you in a manner that suggests you owe them money. You do not want to walk into that at night.
2. You have no dignity when camping in Africa, especially in the bush.
Going to the toilet is like a team sport: you need somebody to look out for animals which might eat you while you relieve yourself behind a grassy shrub. Strolling past the campsite with a bog roll in your hand also isn’t the most classy thing you will ever do in your life.
3. In Africa we call toilet paper white gold.
Hold on to yours, and do not forget it in the toilet because it will be gone when you return. You have more chance of seeing a highly endangered wild dog or black rhino than encountering toilet paper in the public toilets.
4. If you have a weak bladder, go easy on the G&Ts and booze.
Lots of G&Ts equals lots of trips to the toilets (and a bad thirst at ungodly hours).
5. Take your pants off.
My friend who is a qualified game ranger recommends that you take of your pants when you go to the toilet, not just pulling it down to your ankles.
This has two purposes: you won’t get any embarrassing urine stains on your pants, and if a nasty beasty peers out from behind a bush, you can make a clean get away without falling over. Except if it’s a lion or predator. Then you must stand your ground and not run. If you run, you die.
