Awhile ago, Brooke Schoenman asked me if I was interested in reviewing some P-Mates on my blog. Discover what it’s like to pee my name in the hypothetical snow? Yes, please!
A P-Mate is “like a cardboard shoe with the toe cut off.” You place the wide end under your urethra, and let ‘er go. Make sure the opening at the end is actually open, and aim away from your shoes. No more mess, no more unsanitary public toilets!
Unfortunately, I found the concept difficult to grasp at first. I mean, I’m from isolated, coastal Newfoundland and Labrador. I’ve been mastering the “squat-and-pee” since I was old enough to drink beer in the forest. Thirteen years old.
But early one morning (like 3 a.m.), when some friends and I decided to head to Cape Spear to be the first people to watch the sun rise in North America, I decided it was time to push my doubts aside and attempt to pee like a man.
It wasn’t easy. I still did the squat, it just felt natural. So I half-squatted, and peed, much to the horror of my male companion who then tried to teach me the true way. I even pushed my chest back and whistled.
First I thought I was peeing all over my hand, but I could just feel warm pee through the cardboard. Also, I was a little intoxicated. Maggie witnessed my freak-out first hand. Oh god, have I said too much? Am I too masculine now? Will this pink font eradicate your doubts? Can someone tell me I’m pretty?
Anyway. I really like the P-Mates, and I want to try them again in a more controlled environment. For the record, I later squatted in the old war barracks with my butt exposed, experienced some “splash-back” (I’m not quite the pro I thought I was), and mooned a well-dressed couple strolling along the trail for some sunrise nookie. In these cases, totally worth the stand-and-pee capabilities.
My next test? I’m gonna stroll into the men’s bathroom, whip out my P-Mate at the urinal, wink at the guy next to me and say, “How you doin’?”