God I’ve wanted to write that title for a while.

Back in 2011, I wrote a story for NileGuide about how Iceland’s Phallological Museum acquired its first human penis. Apparently the guy was a boaster, a braggart. I’d have to say that putting your penis on display inside a jar probably upholds this description.

So naturally when I visited Reykjavik last year, The Iceland Phallological Museum was a “must-do” thing. I showed up at the museum of dicks with three of my friends – Shaun, Steffe, and Luke – but we hadn’t understood just how much a place dedicated to hundreds of bottled dicks would affect our collective psyche. We were hungover as hell. Our stomachs were roiling. At one point, Luke had to sit down.

The museum actually kind of has noble beginnings. Phallology is an ancient science, apparently, and it had received little attention in Iceland other than being studied in other disciplines such as art and history. The museum lets phallology enthusiasts explore the genre in an organized, academic way.

Or, you know, you could attract a bunch of immature, hungover 20-somethings giggling over jars of dicks.

To be fair, the museum is laid out quite professionally. And the dude at the front desk somehow managed to keep a straight face when I asked, “Which end do I start?” But then that’s the Icelandic way, I suppose. Humour underneath a straight face.

I think my favourite was the bottled “ghost penis.” There’s a ghost penis, I swear. In a bottle. On a shelf. I nearly collapsed on the floor, I was laughing so hard. It’s next to an elf dick…which is really tiny.

If you can get around the veiny insanity of the giant whale penises, it’s possible to appreciate such rarities. There’s even a polar bear dick. How many people have seen one of those? Certainly no one that lived to tell the tale.

Visit. Do it sober. Bring a camera, and read the guestbook.