Welcome to the next installment of Life Advice from an Unemployed Artist! This time, I share love wisdom and food tips.

i’m hungry ALL THE TIME. i need snacking advice.

The irony of this question amuses me as I literally use a fork to scrape brownie crumbs from the bottom of my baking dish. I may not be the best person to talk to in this case, and the only reason I stay slim is because I spend a great deal of time at the gym. This helps me cope with my insane eating habits, and nearly-neurotic cravings for chocolate and nachos.

This is how I curb my cravings: I don’t buy stuff. Seriously. Sometimes I put off getting groceries for weeks at a time, which means I’m probably not getting all the Vitamin C I need, but hey, at least I’m not binge eating. And if you’re like me and are generally afraid of cold weather and being in public, it works.

Also, give into those sugar cravings…in moderation. If not, you’ll eat everything you can lay your hands hoping to satisfy some nutty, internal, entrenched desire for sweets.

If you’re on the road, stock up on nuts and dried fruit. They’re heavy and will fill you faster. My ultimate anti-snacking food? Sushi. Sushi has the ability to keep me satisfied for hours upon hours. And nothing has ever, ever done that for me. Insert lewd joke here.

So I have this boyfriend right. And after a while, whenever we spend time together he’ll be all oh I need to go off and play my guitar or basically subtly hint he wants to zip off now. What should I do? -Left Behind in London

I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like a classic example of Douchebaggery to me. And there is no cure for Douchebaggery.

But first: how much time do you spend together? Do you mean you’re only together for like, an hour? Or does this happen after a full day or several full days together? If it’s the former, boy better watch himself. If it’s the latter, well, you’ve gotta detach the iron hooks you’ve embedded and back off.

Being a classic commitment-phobe, however, makes me more inclined to value my own space and alone time. With the right person, I wouldn’t be so eager to flee the scene like a scalded cat. Perhaps this dude needs a talking to, or a boot out the door. Yes?

As consolation prize for calling your boyfriend a Douchebag, here’s a kitten:

Remember, to submit your questions, use the form in the right-hand menu! I like to fix things.