Life Advice: Snacking Tips and Douchebaggery

Welcome to the next installment of Life Advice from an Unemployed Artist! This time, I share love wisdom and food tips.

i’m hungry ALL THE TIME. i need snacking advice.

The irony of this question amuses me as I literally use a fork to scrape brownie crumbs from the bottom of my baking dish. I may not be the best person to talk to in this case, and the only reason I stay slim is because I spend a great deal of time at the gym. This helps me cope with my insane eating habits, and nearly-neurotic cravings for chocolate and nachos.

This is how I curb my cravings: I don’t buy stuff. Seriously. Sometimes I put off getting groceries for weeks at a time, which means I’m probably not getting all the Vitamin C I need, but hey, at least I’m not binge eating. And if you’re like me and are generally afraid of cold weather and being in public, it works.

Remember, moderation.

Also, give into those sugar cravings…in moderation. If not, you’ll eat everything you can lay your hands hoping to satisfy some nutty, internal, entrenched desire for sweets.

If you’re on the road, stock up on nuts and dried fruit. They’re heavy and will fill you faster. My ultimate anti-snacking food? Sushi. Sushi has the ability to keep me satisfied for hours upon hours. And nothing has ever, ever done that for me. Insert lewd joke here.

So I have this boyfriend right. And after a while, whenever we spend time together he’ll be all oh I need to go off and play my guitar or basically subtly hint he wants to zip off now. What should I do? -Left Behind in London

I’m sorry to say it, but it sounds like a classic example of Douchebaggery to me. And there is no cure for Douchebaggery.

But first: how much time do you spend together? Do you mean you’re only together for like, an hour? Or does this happen after a full day or several full days together? If it’s the former, boy better watch himself. If it’s the latter, well, you’ve gotta detach the iron hooks you’ve embedded and back off.

Being a classic commitment-phobe, however, makes me more inclined to value my own space and alone time. With the right person, I wouldn’t be so eager to flee the scene like a scalded cat. Perhaps this dude needs a talking to, or a boot out the door. Yes?

As consolation prize for calling your boyfriend a Douchebag, here’s a kitten:

Remember, to submit your questions, use the form in the right-hand menu! I like to fix things.

  • April 25 2011


    totally distracted me.

    but, good snacking advice! i currently have a jar of gummies, several boxes of gummies, a jar of chocolates, and a jar of pistacchios in my kitchen.. and somehow having plenty of snacks around keeps me from binging. (okay, when i open the gummies they tend to dissappear very quickly… but i'm getting better!)
    However, I definitely do much better on the snacking when it's been a long time since last groceries. . . ;D

    and yeah. douchebaggery. boo.

  • April 25 2011

    Living in the mid-west / great plains I’ve not yet worked up the courage to try sushi. It would be different if I were, you know, near a body of water… but, no such luck. There’s just something about a Truck-stop all you can eat sushi special that seems dangerously, dangerously suspect. :)

    • April 27 2011


  • April 25 2011

    I eat in intervals of 2.5 to 3 hours starting from the time I wake up to the time I sleep. It keeps my metabolism going and I’m trying to bulk up slightly, it keeps the body from eating muscle and instead, burns some fat calories. I eat some yogurt or banana to curve my hunger for chips or chocolate, haha. But you know, some days when you need those sweets, I just go for it anyways, only live once :)

    • April 27 2011

      Hahaha, I’m trying to de-bulk, I think. Good plan, though!

  • April 25 2011

    hahaaaa Douchebaggery :D

    oh noo, that food photo is killing me inside. Are those elephant cupcakes?! My god, those are amazing and I want one right now..

    • April 27 2011

      It was a heart attack waiting to happen, oh man.

  • April 25 2011

    oh–and I do the same thing with the grocery shopping haha, I currently have cans of tuna, yoghurt, dry cereal and oatmeal in my kitchen!

  • April 25 2011

    Kitten = Adorable. Your advice = Awesomesauce.

  • April 25 2011

    I know where I’m coming with my future life problems….

  • April 27 2011

    Sushi is delicious, and deceptively filling. I always think, oh there’s not that much and after I few pieces I’m stuffed. I always like the good old trail mix for travels, although you gotta be careful if anyone has nut allergies. That or granola and yogurt – it’s filling and delicious.

    • April 27 2011

      Hahaha, same! Forgot about the nut allergies then. I’ve always been very fond of nuts. Har har!

  • May 04 2011

    I got this wife, great gal, but when I wake up in the morning and roll over to give her a kiss or two she invariably comments on how my breath smells like something that crawled stinking from the Dark Ages. Now, I don’t fancy rolling out of bed first thing before kisses and snuggles and shit so how do i kill my dragon fart breath? Altoids? breath strips? gum?
    ~ Mourning Breath in Seattle

    • May 09 2011

      Oh I can’t wait to answer this one.

  • March 29 2012

    Ah I love reading your posts, so full of life and zing. This was hilarious and also makes me feel like I need to go for a run after eating chicken parmesan for breakfast!

    Cathy Trails

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