Life Advice: On Broken Hearts and Meat Yogurt

Welcome to the second installment of Life Advice From an Unemployed Artist, where I attempt to solve your life problems before I can no longer afford the electricity used to power this laptop. We’ll start with a bold request.

I would like 9 tips on how to get over a broken heart. Yes, 9.

1. Throw out everything that reminds you of him or her. There is zero sense in holding onto something for sentimental value if he or she has broken your heart. If you’re keeping it because you’re “over it,” you’re not over it. Throw it out.

road trip

Road trip it.

2. Exercise a lot. Not obsessively, just regularly. Four times a week. Feel good about your fitness.

3. Delete him or her from your Facebook friends. You will stalk their profile often and you will not like anything you see. Someone will post on his or her wall indicating a potential romance and you will consider suicide.

4. Don’t get super drunk. And if you do, tell your friend to take away your phone.

5. Date someone new. Rebound isn’t wrong.

6. Treat yourself. Spa day, movie night, fancy new outfit, whatever makes you feel good.

7. Understand that although it’s the worst thing in the world at the moment, and you can’t possibly imagine ever caring about anybody else, and you don’t think anybody in the world is as good as that person, you will move on.

8. Hang out with people who make you feel nice. But remember, people can only listen to your sob stories for so long.

9. Hit the road. Hands down the best approach to healing is to run away, no matter what anyone says. There is no better feeling than being somewhere new without any constant reminders of a failed relationship, and without the possibility of running into that person.

meat yogurt

This moose meat would be lovely in a meat yogurt.

Someone at work is eating vegan yogurt. how would you suggest I tell them they’re crazy? –DR Pants

The next time you see someone eating a vegan yogurt, whip out a meat yogurt. That’s right, just milk and meat, preferably ground beef or moose. Stir it around. Make sure you make lots of “MMM” noises while chewing. When they ask what you’re doing, say “Enjoying my meat yogurt.” When they insist that’s not a real thing, tell them the definition of yogurt is actually “a custard-like food made from curdled milk” and if they’re going to be breaking the rules of yogurt, you can too. The name is misleading. If they’re going to change yogurt, at least rename it “faux-gurt.”

Got a question you want answered? Just use the form in the right-hand column!

  • March 14 2011

    Don’t need the advice on the broken heart, but I’ve been waiting for the answer to the vegan yogurt advice. Meat yogurt, love it. I can’t wait to pull that one out and see the reaction. Awesome.

    • March 16 2011

      Hahaha, the person who submitted the question already apparently printed it out to show their coworker. So awesome.

  • March 14 2011

    Ha, that meat yogurt idea is too good. However, what is the vegan yogurt made of.. i cant imagine something to match the consistency of real yogurt.. eww

    • March 16 2011

      Soy! God. Regular yogurt is boring enough as it is.

  • March 14 2011

    I was so excited when I saw this! Second installment…YEA!! #4 is my favorite…who hasn’t made or received these calls?

    • March 16 2011

      Aww, thanks, Kate! Glad you’re enjoying. And seriously, I’ve had to warn my friends several times, hahaha.

  • March 14 2011

    I tend to reverse #2 and #4 usually, but agree with #5. Best way to get over someone is to get under another. Whoops… did I say that out loud?

    • March 16 2011

      I was definitely going to add that one, but was afraid of what my mother would think.

  • March 14 2011

    BAHAHAHA. I love you.
    Did you know 9 is my favourite number? (I know you knew I was neurotic enough to have a favourite number. . . )
    Let’s see how I did. . . 1? Um… no. but, they’re my favourite earrings :( 2? check! 3? . . . you know the answer to this ;P 4? i got super drunk, but instead of drunk dailing went home with someone else right in front of him. . . compromise? 1/2 points? 5? We’ll call this a check ;) 6? New hair! 7? I think I managed that.. 8? You make me feel nice :) 9? Done! done, done, and done! Christ, first ever road trip in my new car was within a week of heart break! ;D
    So.. 6.5/9 ! Not bad!
    Though, I’m pretty sure all I needed to mend my heart was awesome friends. And a car. It’s been an epic combination.

    Also, I’m totally printing your meat yogurt response and showing it to the vegan yogurt eater… i think she’ll love it ;)
    (vegan yogurt is, shockingly, made of soy, fyi.)

  • March 14 2011

    Your advice is amazing. The break up advice because it is actually good and totally what you should do in the situation, and the yogurt advice because HOW ELSE do you respond to a question like that? Awsomesauce.

  • March 14 2011

    Meat yogurt…lol two words I never thought I’d see next to each other. The image of someone eating a milk/meat mixture is pretty disgusting.

    And love your advice for the first question, especially #9 – sometimes running away is a goo thing.

    • March 16 2011

      Yeah, I don’t think you could pay me enough to eat meat yogurt…

  • March 14 2011

    Totally solid advice for a broken heart. But I’m trying to decide what cracked me up more… meat yogurt or Michael’s response to #5.

    • March 16 2011

      I think Michael needs to write a similar post.

  • March 14 2011

    My ex finally removed me from Facebook, he said he was creeping my profile and he couldn’t get over me.

    It really hurt but then I realized his is still open so I can creep all I want!

    • March 16 2011

      Hahaha, ultimate creepage! I do it all the time.

  • March 15 2011

    the thought of meat yogurt makes me want to puke

    • March 16 2011

      More than turkey stuffing over fries?

  • March 15 2011

    What planet am I living on never having heard of vegan youghurt or meat yoghurt, Better to return to the safer ground of broekn heart. Now what was it Michael suggested…..??? Can’t continue,am laughing too much.

    • March 16 2011

      Hahaha, let’s hope meat yogurt never actually gets started…

  • March 15 2011

    The meat yogurt is a good idea – But I think what so many people are looking for in the supermarket and cant find … (ready – here is a great get rich quick idea)… beef or moose flavored ice cream!

    • March 16 2011

      Mmmmmm, beef ice-cream. It’s like the break-up treat for men!

  • March 16 2011

    meat yogurt just sounds awwwwwwwful! I would agree with all of the type especially dating someone else or deleting from FB. If you don’t go out with someone else you continue to think about that other person. But please if you are on a date dont compare everything that the person does to the last person.

    • March 16 2011

      Hahaha, very true! Especially out loud…

  • March 17 2011

    Good I do not have those problems so no need for 9 points, but looking at them, I was using them all haha …
    For me would be chicken yogurt then :D

  • March 20 2011

    Rebounding isn’t wrong?

    • March 21 2011

      Never! Like Michael said, the best way to get over someone is to get under…

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