Welcome to the second installment of Life Advice From an Unemployed Artist, where I attempt to solve your life problems before I can no longer afford the electricity used to power this laptop. We’ll start with a bold request.
I would like 9 tips on how to get over a broken heart. Yes, 9.
1. Throw out everything that reminds you of him or her. There is zero sense in holding onto something for sentimental value if he or she has broken your heart. If you’re keeping it because you’re “over it,” you’re not over it. Throw it out.
2. Exercise a lot. Not obsessively, just regularly. Four times a week. Feel good about your fitness.
3. Delete him or her from your Facebook friends. You will stalk their profile often and you will not like anything you see. Someone will post on his or her wall indicating a potential romance and you will consider suicide.
4. Don’t get super drunk. And if you do, tell your friend to take away your phone.
5. Date someone new. Rebound isn’t wrong.
6. Treat yourself. Spa day, movie night, fancy new outfit, whatever makes you feel good.
7. Understand that although it’s the worst thing in the world at the moment, and you can’t possibly imagine ever caring about anybody else, and you don’t think anybody in the world is as good as that person, you will move on.
8. Hang out with people who make you feel nice. But remember, people can only listen to your sob stories for so long.
9. Hit the road. Hands down the best approach to healing is to run away, no matter what anyone says. There is no better feeling than being somewhere new without any constant reminders of a failed relationship, and without the possibility of running into that person.
Someone at work is eating vegan yogurt. how would you suggest I tell them they’re crazy? –DR Pants
The next time you see someone eating a vegan yogurt, whip out a meat yogurt. That’s right, just milk and meat, preferably ground beef or moose. Stir it around. Make sure you make lots of “MMM” noises while chewing. When they ask what you’re doing, say “Enjoying my meat yogurt.” When they insist that’s not a real thing, tell them the definition of yogurt is actually “a custard-like food made from curdled milk” and if they’re going to be breaking the rules of yogurt, you can too. The name is misleading. If they’re going to change yogurt, at least rename it “faux-gurt.”
Got a question you want answered? Just use the form in the right-hand column!