Welcome to the third instalment of Life Advice From an Unemployed Artist! Folks, I think this is my favourite one yet.

Can you prove that tan-1 x < x for all x > 0 (Using mean value theorem on {o,x} for tan-1x)? It’s a tricky question that is preventing me from correctly mixing the ingredients for a fruit cake this evening. Thanks and sprinkles.

Math isn’t my strong point. For this problem, I consulted my roommate Matthew (herein referred to as “M. Bomb”) who is completing his Masters in Geophysics at Memorial University. He agreed to take the time out from his thesis writing to solve this head-scratcher, and the results were outstanding. I can’t thank him enough, but I will try with a beer.

(Seriously guys, M. Bombs deserves some applause for that one.)

I recently got contact lenses for the first time. My question is: how can I remember to take out my contacts when I’m drunk (like super drunk) and if I’m drunk should I even try to take my contacts out or will I take out my eyeball by mistake?

Let me tell you a little story which will guarantee you’ll never forget to take out your contact lenses again. Trust me, I’ve had plenty of experience with the whole “removing-my-contact-lenses-when-contact-lenses-have-already-been-removed” thing.

When I got my contact lenses in 9th grade, I refused to wear my glasses. I shunned them. In my mind, they were hideous and disfiguring. I wouldn’t be seen in public wearing them. This continued on into university, where I literally would not step outside my dorm room until my contacts were in my eyeballs. Unfortunately, being a first-year university student meant I spent at least 3 nights a week out until all hours of the morning, which usually ended up with me crashing while still wearing them. My idiot doctor told me this was mostly okay.

Then I started having problems. My right eyeball swelled shut one day. My eyes would turn pink when putting in my lenses, and I had difficulty seeing. Finally, when I moved to St. John’s, I went to a different eye doctor. She examined my eyes and said I was essentially suffocating my eyeballs and would eventually go blind if I kept up with my habits. There was already a large amount of scarring on my left pupil, and I was forbidden to wear my contacts for 3 months. Even after those 3 months were up, I could only wear my contacts again 3 nights a week, and only for 8 hours at a time.

I lost my mind; this was a massive shift in my thinking. I literally had seizures, and I’m not exaggerating at all.

Fortunately, I qualified for Lasik eye surgery which totally reversed the damage I had done to my eyes. I’m still paying off the surgery, but in my case, it was a wise decision and I no longer have to dish out lots of cash for breathable lenses. I just had my yearly check-up and I’m still at 20/20 vision! If you continue being irresponsible like I was, you should probably consider surgery yourself. 10 minutes to undo 15 years of blindness is totally worth the investment.

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