I’m about 45 minutes outside of Montreal, so I’ll make this snappy. My whole body is aching from our economy seats, and I’m not sure I’m overly impressed with VIA Rail’s service. For whatever reason, the seats with tables across the aisle from us were marked as “Reserved for Moncton,” yet the people who claimed them apparently had no reservation at all. Then we were kinda scolded by one of the staff for playing cards and quietly drinking beer. Like seriously, we were barely talking. Wtf?

Anyway, the trip didn’t feel nearly as long as I would have thought. But I can’t wait to brush my teeth.

Here’s how to survive:

1. Bring some kind of stain remover because you WILL spill coffee on your pants.

2. Make sure the bathroom door is locked, because when a kid walks in on you peeing, it’s pretty embarrassing.

3. Find humour in the very elderly lady reading what looks like a pornographic novel but is actually a Harlequin romance.

4. Avoid creepy dude trying to take your photo.

5. Do not give up hope that the four seats next to you will be actually filled with hot, rich businessmen who don’t mind buying you $6 beers.

6. Ask wait staff when Happy Hour begins, pretend not to be devastated when they reply, “We’re always happy to see you!”

7. Wear a Snuggie, make a tent out of it so others can’t see you sleeping with your mouth wide open.

8. Never have false hope that you’ll find a comfortable sleeping position. Ever.

Onwards to Montreal! Oui oui!