Find a girl who’d rather binge-watch 10 episodes of Making a Murderer than spend all her money on clothes. Date a girl who has a list of television shows to watch stored away on the notes app in her iPhone, who has been stealing her old roommate’s Netflix account since she was 25.

Find a girl who understands the delectable comfort of a fleece onesie, preferably one with a trapdoor. She’s the one that loves snow days, simply so she can stay inside and be warm and cozy under layers of blankets. You see that girl with messy hair, clutching a cup of coffee, reclined on the couch like Cleopatra? That’s the girl you should date. She knows luxury.

She’s the girl watching Suits instead of working on her article about green living in Germany. She may not answer your questions right away, because a girl who sits around watching Netflix in her pyjamas is likely avoiding the real world. Sit down. Don’t approach her too fast, lest you scare her. Ask her if you can watch Suits too. She’ll probably grunt her consent, because confrontation would mean too much distraction, and Harvey Spector is currently onscreen.

Buy her another onesie. With a trapdoor.

Let her know what you really think of Marvel’s Jessica Jones. Ask her what she thinks about the theme of misogyny and domestic violence. Her eyes will glaze over. Do not mistake this for thoughtful contemplation; she’s bored. Ask her who is her favourite character in Downtown Abbey. She’ll say Mary, of course. She’ll tell you how she dreams of being a suppressed white woman of nobility in the 1920s. She’ll tell you life was simple back then.

It’s easy to date a girl who sits around in fleece pyjamas watching Netflix. She demands nothing; you cannot disappoint a girl of lethargy. She wants nothing, only snacks. Feed her snacks. Give her bowls of popcorns, heaping plates of nachos, a bag of Doritos (Cool Ranch), a bag of HARIBO gummy bears. Let her know that you understand the shows she loves. Her ideal date is creating a pillow fortress in bed and watching chick-flicks until 3AM on a Friday night. Let her know you’d watch chick-flicks. You’d do that for her.

She knows she can’t go on living this dream life forever. She has to give it a shot somehow.

Fail her. Try to be the one who snaps her out of her indolence. Suggest hikes, camping trips, a vacation in Mexico. At some point, she’ll acquiesce. She’ll hate you for it, but you’ll go on adventures and you’ll get your hands dirty and you’ll laugh about all this, the attempt to change her. Then you can begin again and again.

But she’ll never change. She’s too lazy to figure out how.

Do not be afraid of the girl who sits around in fleece pyjamas watching Netflix. Girls like her understand people. After watching endless crime series like Rectify and The Killing she’ll believe she’s an expert investigator. She’ll believe she can solve a murder that no one else has, based on the knowledge she’s acquired after 30 hours of crime television. You should accept her beliefs without question. Support her.

When you find this girl, keep her close. She’s loyal. She’s loyal to you, and her Netflix, and her fleece pyjamas. You’ll never have to worry about her committing adultery. She simply does not have the energy.

You will propose at a Best Buy while looking for the latest smart TV technology. Or while lying in bed and when hasn’t washed her hair in a few days.

She will say yes. Who else will have her? You’ll smile so hard, you’ll want to explode. But she’ll pat you lightly on the knee, tell you to take it easy, and be quiet because the new season of Wentworth is about to be released. You’ll celebrate your new joy over the sounds of lesbian prison sex.

You’ll grow old together, indeed, hardly aging. You’ll have kids named after Harvey Spector and Jessica Jones. You’ll give them unrealistic life expectations, like being able to leap 20 feet into the air, or being able to engage in unrealistic witty law banter for 40 minutes straight without solving anything whatsoever. You’ll both laugh when your children don’t meet these expectations. Your parenting will be easy. Your children will have iPads at birth.

Date a girl who sits around in fleece pyjamas watching Netflix because you deserve it. You deserve a loyal girl who can give you the most relaxed life possible. If you can only give her monotony, and quiet hours, and plates of junk food, you’ll live a long and fruitful life together. If you want the easiest life possible without any work, date a girl who sits around in fleece pyjamas watching Netflix.

Or better yet, date whom you damned well please.