I never actually wrote about the Dominican Republic.

To be honest, I still barely know anything about the country. The theme of the trip was “vacation.” Or maybe it was “booze.” Or “friendship.”

Whatever.

If you find yourself in Punta Cana on a resort vacation (we stayed at the Grand Palladium), here is my advice.

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1. Drink all of the blue drinks.

I still have no idea what these were, but they brought me together with this new group of friends.

2. Bring all of your friends.

Reuniting with your long lost friends in tropical paradise? This calls for some blue drinks.

3. Go dune buggying.

We did for Dawne’s bachelorette. If you go, tell Lil Wayne we said hi.

4. Wear a bandanna over your mouth while in the backcountry.

This is to protect you from both the mud and the cow shit.

5. Don’t bring your DSLR while on a dune buggy trip.

I effectively destroyed a travel bag trying to keep my DSLR clean. Totally not worth the stress.

6. Don’t be afraid to get a little dirty.

It literally took me 45 minutes to scrub the caked mud out of my head.

7. Find beaches off-resort.

But do not take a “private tour” invitation from a man selling tours in the lobby.

8. Try a cigar.

You’re in the Dominican, for Christ’s sake.

9. Enjoy unlimited alcohol while you can.

This occurred during the 3-hour wait period between Dawne’s wedding ceremony and the reception. We were delegated to the corner table, to prevent further disruption.

10. Tip your maid.

Alana and I would leave the tip for the maid on the right side of the bed, where Alana slept. I guess the maid wasn’t too pleased about my “lack” of contribution.

11. Live at the beach.

Go parasailing. Order a Bloody Mary. Run spontaneously into the ocean. Bring your drink.

My next real resort vacation? JAMAICA! Just five months away. Who’s counting?